Friday, June 8, 2018

Princess Bride Reboot

Let me preface this by saying: The Princess Bride is damn near the most perfect movie ever. It has everything--adventure, humor, romance, literally everything. It is my favorite instance of the movie being better than the book. It is a flawless piece of cinematic mastery. 

That being said, if anyone gives it the reboot treatment I'mma burn something down.

Me whenever they announce The Princess Bride reboot.

UNLESS, of course, they use the cast I have in mind.

I started thinking about what a travesty this would be, then couldn't help but recast the entire movie in my head. So in this scenario (and by "scenario," I mean "blog post") I'm gonna play this Big Bad Producer who recasts an already perfect movie. My choices are serious, and I expect opinions on them.

Jesse Spencer as Westley.
I have no idea who this guy is, but he definitely looks like young Cary Elwes.

Daisy Ridley as Princess Buttercup. 
Most beautiful girl in the world? It's a possibility. This role would be something different for her than Rey from Star Wars. I'd like to see her play a damsel-in-distress, but also would like her to bring a little badassery to Buttercup. But not too much. 

Diego Luna as Inigo Montoya. 
This brilliant idea is what sparked this entire thing. You're welcome. 

Lindsay Kay Howard as Fezzik.
Gender-bending is cool! Also, like Andre, Lindsay is a professional wrestler and she stands at 6'9, thus making her an actual giantess.

Peter Dinklage as Vizzini.
Do you even have a franchise if Peter Dinklage isn't in it?

Jon Hamm as Prince Humperdinck.
Humperdinck has to be played by someone who can be villainous and comedic in turns, and also be devilishly handsome. Check, check, check.

Mark Gatiss as Count Rugen.
If you've seen Sherlock, you know Gatiss is capable of being cold, villainous, intimidating, and yet funny at the same time.

Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader as Valerie and Miracle Max.
Using young comedians dressed up as old people worked before. Plus, these two have great chemistry. They'd totally steal the scene. Since I am a Big Bad Producer, I have a spin-off movie in the works for these guys. 

Jim Gaffigan as The Albino.
He pretty much writes himself into the role with every one of his stand-up routines.

Michael Palin as The Impressive Clergyman.
Because if you don't love Michael Palin, you're wrong.

That's it. I'm off to a big Hollywood meeting, and to make millions. I'll probably strike a deal with Disney and merchandise the s--t out of this.

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