Sunday, January 6, 2019

Be a mess of cosmic proportions.

From Spiritual_af on Instagram
There's a lot of talk this time of year about resolutions and self-improvement. And while there's nothing wrong with constantly trying to better yourself or set and achieve goals, sometimes it can be a lot. It's in our faces all the time through advertising: join this gym! Start this diet! Do this financial thing! And a lot of us aren't in those places.

If, like me, you're not in that place, here's something to reassure you. Life is messy. The universe is messy. The planet, nature, all of it, was designed to be messy. Social media and media in general will give you unrealistic expectations of how things should be, and it's all bullshit. Relationships, jobs, your bedroom, it's all probably a lot messier than you let on. And that's perfectly okay.

My resolution this year, I guess, is to accept myself. As I am and where I am. I'm never happy with where I am. I'm like that scene in Star Wars:

Only my mind drifts backwards, too, not only forward. I'm always looking either behind or ahead and never right where I'm at. 

There are things I wish I could change about myself, but a lot of the fundamental things about who I am are unchangeable: I will always be a worrier who's prone to fits of profound melancholy. I'll always faint at the sight of blood. I'm never going to be a runner or someone who loves exercise. I'll always be on the chubbier side of curvy. I will always be exhausted and live in a state of slight anxiety all the time. I can always be depended upon to say or do extremely awkward things in social situations, especially when there's a cute guy around, and I'll always wish we could just sit around chatting about death and time rather than the weather. 


All of the aforementioned things are things that have been with me since childhood. I manage my depression and anxiety the best I can. I manage my Hashimoto's the best I can to help assuage some of my exhaustion. I walk and do yoga and dance terribly because I enjoy these things. And all of this perfectly effing fine.

My goal this year is to just be okay with myself, and continue growing into myself. I'm in a place where luckily, all the horrible things people said would happen as an adult haven't happened. I've not been ostracized or scolded or fired for wearing what I like and dyeing my hair, and being a general smartass and weirdo. And I am grateful every day that that's the case.

Here's to becoming in 2019. And to being a mess of cosmic proportions, because that makes us intune to the universe, after all.

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